Advice: hard to give, but everyone loves getting it. Me, on the other hand, why as far as advice goes, I consider myself a rare expert. I’ve never given someone advice without it greatly improving their life. So here’s some advice for the programmer kinsfolk among me.

You should know the following languages if you take yourself and your craft at all seriously.

C

Yeah baby! C is like driving a sports car at max speed through a small village – without a seatbelt. Vroom! Don’t even think about trying this language until you’ve got at least a decade of programming experience. However, everyone should learn it – yes, even you Python noobs.

Javascript

I hate to say it, but JS is everywhere. If you don’t know it, you’re just… you’re just… ugh. That’s what I think. You’re ugh.

Refusing to learn JS is like not learning English. It’s ugly and makes no sense, but it’s everywhere, and you’re handicapping yourself and being an all-around dumbass.

Haskell

Aww, too stupid to understand monads? I don’t care. Take some LSD if you have to, you must learn Haskell. In fact, learn category theory while you’re at it. Why? I don’t know.

Assembly

Ah, the true lingua de franca of computers. Assembly is the backbone of all modern technology. I’d even say it’s the backbone of life today as we know it. Knowing assembly takes the magic out of computers and reveals their stark limitations. You will also understand why we can never have true AI without moving to a trinary number representation.

Rust

Not that you have to learn it, or even should, or even could (let’s face it, no smart person is reading this blog). But, just give it a shot, and try not to have your mind blown too much by the future. Also, we need more people badgering project maintainers to rewrite their shitty C libraries in Rust and take one more step towards obliterating all traces of C from existence.

PHP

Yeah, didn’t expect this one, did you?! Hah! As always, I am utterly unpredictable – and totally cool.

Conclusion

To conclude this fantastic blog post, I will just say one thing. And that is, that I am better than you, always have been, and always will be, because I know what’s important in life, and that is knowing as many programming languages as possible. That is all.